i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
being pregnant is like rehab
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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