I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
