You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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