Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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