You can't motorboat a personality
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
