I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
