My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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