omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize