Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
