3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
