is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
