look no pants
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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