Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
