I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
