You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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