Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
