Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
