I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
