i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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