so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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