The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
