im drinking this country out of the recession.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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