one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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