You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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