Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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