The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
