my phone needs a breathalizer
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
