Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
