thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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