Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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