If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
