who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
