I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
