i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I didn't notice because vodka
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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