she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
