When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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