can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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