it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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