Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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