I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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