I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
