So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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