I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Randomize
