All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
