I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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