i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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