Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
