Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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