We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
