Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have feelings that need drinking.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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