Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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