ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
