He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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