if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
