I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
