the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
