I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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