Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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