and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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