I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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