he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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